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Valentine’ Day

Okay guys, any woman that knows you should meet your wife and see nothing but beauty in her, and they should see that BECAUSE of the way you have behaved with them.  The way that you have NOT disgraced your wife by making sexual suggestions toward other women.  All the men that know you should meet your wife and hold her with high regard BECAUSE of the way that you have NOT disgraced her by making derogatory comments or by chasing after other women.

Ladies, you are not off the hook.  The absolute best thing I have ever heard spoken at a funeral was ‘His wife never had a harsh word against him.’  Now, that doesn’t mean that she was always nice to him or that they never argued, but it DOES mean that she never spoke harshly of him to others.  If it isn’t encouraging or uplifting, then it probably doesn’t need spoken.  Wise words to remember.

I happened across this letter today and thought this would be a great day to share.

When Michael Reagan was getting married, his Dad, Ronald Reagan sent him an important letter about love and marriage. We reprint it here as a reminder of the importance of commitment and kindness in relationships. Reagan’s words show his wisdom. Happy Valentine’s Day

Dear Mike:

Enclosed is the item I mentioned (with which goes a torn up IOU). I could stop here but I won’t.

You’ve heard all the jokes that have been rousted around by all the “unhappy marrieds” and cynics. Now, in case no one has suggested it, there is another viewpoint. You have entered into the most meaningful relationship there is in all human life. It can be whatever you decide to make it. Some men feel their masculinity can only be proven if they play out in their own life all the locker-room stories, smugly confident that what a wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her. The truth is, somehow, way down inside, without her ever finding lipstick on the collar or catching a man in the flimsy excuse of where he was till three A.M., a wife does know, and with that knowing, some of the magic of this relationship disappears. There are more men griping about marriage who kicked the whole thing away themselves than there can ever be wives deserving of blame. There is an old law of physics that you can only get out of a thing as much as you put in it. The man who puts into the marriage only half of what he owns will get that out.

Sure, there will be moments when you will see someone or think back to an earlier time and you will be challenged to see if you can still make the grade, but let me tell you how really great is the challenge of proving your masculinity and charm with one woman for the rest of your life. Any man can find a twerp here and there who will go along with cheating, and it doesn’t take all that much manhood. It does take quite a man to remain attractive and to be loved by a woman who has heard him snore, seen him unshaven, tended him while he was sick and washed his dirty underwear. Do that and keep her still feeling a warm glow and you will know some very beautiful music. If you truly love a girl, you shouldn’t ever want her to feel, when she sees you greet a secretary or a girl you both know, that humiliation of wondering if she was someone who caused you to be late coming home, nor should you want any other woman to be able to meet your wife and know she was smiling behind her eyes as she looked at her, the woman you love, remembering this was the woman you rejected even momentarily for her favors.

Mike, you know better than many what an unhappy home is and what it can do to others. Now you have a chance to make it come out the way it should. There is no greater happiness for a man than approaching a door at the end of a day knowing someone on the other side of that door is waiting for the sound of his footsteps.

Love, Dad

P.S. You’ll never get in trouble if you say “I love you” at least once a day.

That being said, Happy Valentine’s Day!

I’m not in the mood

Okay, lets face it, ‘I’m not in the mood” or “not now” are phrases that no one wants to hear.  They also are phrases that should not exist in a good, healthy, solid relationship.

You heard me right, it just shouldn’t be.  Remember the ‘one’ that the two have become.  Your body is not yours alone anymore.  If your partner wants you, it doesn’t matter what mood you are in or what kind of day you have had, the answer (spoken or shown) is YES.  Sure everyone likes a little romance sometimes or maybe even a little notice and in a healthy, committed relationship all of these things exist.  The fact that your spouse wants you is the only foreplay you need.  Not the only foreplay you desire, certainly not the only foreplay you want, but it is the only foreplay you NEED.  Remember what I said about being a safe haven?  Rejection has no part in a healthy relationship.  

'But what if I truly don't feel like it?'

'What about my need to be left alone?'

Two understandble questions, both with the same answer.  It is NOT ABOUT YOU!  It is, and forever should be, about the we.  Someone has put themself out there for you, laid their emotions and their needs out there for you and it was not so you could trample all over them!  It is not about YOU. And I say that to each of you, fairly.  But that is not what you should ever say to someone you love, don’t ever tell them “its not about you,” that is what you say to yourself about yourself.

Getting the foreplay that you desire or you want (on a consistent basis) does not happen without the basic foundation of your partners desire and want being all the motivation you NEED.  Remember, the best, most amazing fireworks displays are launched from a rock solid foundation.

Welcome to The Awesome Wife.  This blog is dedicated to men and women who are in love with their mate, people who genuinely want only good things for the other.  Sounds pretty basic, doesn’t it?  Actually, it is becoming quite rare.  I see more and more marriages that revolve around control rather than love.  I am open to discussing the male viewpoint as well as the female viewpoint.  So, lets get started.

Lets talk about what it means to be married.  A common phrase, from the bible, is often used at the wedding, ‘And the two shall become one.’  What exactly does that mean?  In the most basic of terms, it means that each shall leave their mother and father and unite with their spouse.  So, when you leave mom and dad, what are you leaving?  Your sense of security.  Your source of income.  Your shelter.  Your refuge. Your food source.  And of course I am speaking generally, for many of us these things were not always present at home, but in a general sense these are the things associated with ‘home.’  So now, you leave all of that behind and you unite with your spouse.  Some say you cleave to your spouse, and what does cleave mean?  It means to adhere firmly or loyally and unwaveringly.  Now, with your spouse you build a new home, a new sense of security, shelter.  You supply your own income and food source, together.  He is your refuge and you are his refuge, his safe place.  I take this very seriously ladies.  Be his safe place.  Allow him to come to you with anything and trust you with it.  What is he trusting in you for? He is trusting that he will not meet rejection, judgement or condemnation.  He needs your support and your encouragement.  He needs to know that he can count on you, that you are in his corner.  You should be his biggest champion.  This is the man you united yourself with, the man you ‘adhere’ to, you should want good things for him, you are now one, good things for him mean goodness for you also.  And I don’t mean so that you can get half when you get divorced.  (Divorce is for other people, not for the couples that are committed.)  Does this mean he, or you, should listen and then use these findings against each other in some future argument? Absolutely not!!  Safe haven, refuge..be there for each other, ask questions but don’t ever criticize.  An argument should only be about one thing at a time, and one thing only, not the time to bring up other points from the past.  Once you resolve an issue, leave it resolved and leave it in the past.  You don’t have to agree on everything in a marriage but you do need to have respect for that with which you do not agree.  The goal is to have a spouse, that when things get tough or a situation comes up, there first response is to run to you, or if they are a believer to God first and then to you.  Don’t ever give your spouse reason to take their problems to a bar, or to a co-worker, or a friend other than you.  To do that is to open up your marriage to the agendas and the suggestions of people who maybe don’t feel the way you and your spouse do about certain things.  You are one now, set yourself aside and be a part of the one.  Solve your problems together, resolve your issues together - the way you thought you would when you agreed to marry that person.  

While we are on the subject of being there for each other, lets talk about a typical problem couples experience.  What happens at the end of the work day?  It doesn’t matter if a wife works (because some have to) or stays at home, right now I want to focus on when your man comes home from work.  This is a time that you really want to be able to read your spouse.  Was it a bad day? Does he just want dinner and quiet time? Does he need to vent about work or co-workers? Does he want to see the kids and play with them? Does he just need a hug?  Lots to pick from and we can’t always choose correctly, what he needs most of the time might not be what he needs today.  The worst thing you could do is to leave him no choice by saying something like ‘glad you’re home, I need a break.’  Maybe you do, but it isn’t about you- it is about what is best for your marriage.  Maybe the last thing you want to do is to listen as he unloads about his day, too bad.  If that is what he needs then you better listen up, remember, don’t ever give your spouse a reason to turn to anyone but you.  Maybe you have had the worst day ever and maybe you don’t feel well, so what?  Look into his eyes and look at his face, does he seem concerned about something? Does he look exhausted?  If you don’t know what he is feeling you can always ask, just try not to always have to ask.  Maybe he needs a shower and some time to himself, maybe he wants nothing more than to hear you say dinner is ready.  Now I realize that I lost a lot of you on this one, and maybe some are mad but still reading saying but what about me?  What about what I need?  It all works together ladies.  The more attentive to him you are, in time it will reflect in your marriage.  One wonderful day he may come home and see on your face that you have had a horrible day, maybe not at first and certainly maybe not everytime, but when he does it will be worth it.  When he looks in your eyes and thinks to himself  ’wow, she looks like she needs a break or a hug or for me to order some dinner, what I went through today isn’t near as important as being there for her.’  Sounds pretty amazing doesn’t it?  Well, think about it ladies, if you aren’t willing to be there for him why should he be there for you.  Or men, maybe you will have to be the one to start, someone has to start and it really shouldn’t even matter who because it is all about the we in the end.  And there is no keeping score folks.  For better, for worse doesn’t mean things are even.  What is does mean is that through the worse, and yes it might be months or years, you are there- Adhering, unwaveringly, loyal, committed.

I think I will stop here.  Any thoughts?  Maybe your marriage is already here, I would love to hear it.  Just remember to be respectful and that this is not a place to unload about all the things your spouse doesn’t do - look first at all the things you don’t do before you speak.

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